Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Who I am vs. who I wish I was

It took me forever to get dressed this morning. I wanted to wear my new socks - bright magenta over-the-knee wool blend socks that I ordered on Saturday and arrived on Monday because Sock Dreams has some insanely fast shipping. The socks are awesomely colored, rich and gorgeous. They are also slightly too tight - I have tiny feet and giant thighs, so if one part fits the other doesn't. Hoping for stretch, I went with fitting my feet. There's not nearly enough stretch.

So today: magenta socks, black skirt with bright flowers (blue, yellow, magenta). Debated and debated tops before going with a little sleeveless black sweater, which is utterly inappropriate for the season.

By noon, I'd changed into jeans and a black button-down shirt. Still wearing the socks, though.

Here, I think, is the issue - I want to be that girl. I want to wear bright socks and striped tights and little skirts. I want funky shoes. I want to wear pins and bows and silly hair accessories. And I try.

But I think I'm coming to the realization or acceptance that I'm not that girl.

And maybe the term "girl" is part of the problem here. I'm going to be 36 years old in a few days. I've not been a "girl" for some time now. Maybe I could have been that girl if I'd had the courage 20 years ago ... or even 10. Maybe I've been the woman I am now - in the jeans and untucked button-down black shirt - for too long now to be someone else.

I wonder where the line is between reinvention, trying to become the person we want to be (even if that's just silly socks), and trying to be someone we're not.

I want to be someone with a unique style. I want to be this. Maybe I'm skipping too many steps. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe it took me so long to become comfortable in my own skin that I can't be happy in someone else's.

Maybe, at least for now, I need to wear my magenta socks under my jeans and let that be enough.


  1. Anonymous7:56 PM

    Number one - you are a woman, and a very wise one.
    Number two - wearing magenta socks under jeans shows your unique style. It's the little surprise only those who know you would look for. And when they see it, they will say, "cool"! Who you are is awesome, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Love ya'

  2. Anonymous5:34 AM

    Great post! I feel the same way as a man about things other than magenta socks. I think the inner-peace compromise is where you accept who you are but never stop trying to make that person better.

  3. Thanks so much for the really thoughtful comments!